Do you ever think that my splenetic psych will forbear your nefarious act? Did you presume that I have already modified my innate self? And have you ever thought about amnesty that I could possibly give to you? Do I really look that way? Are you really that desperate? I would never give you my pardon neither you’ll see its shadows. I will never experience such thing even in my dreams. Now, what more in reality? I could possibly kill you. I’ll castrate your whole body until I see your internal organ mix with you blood. Never try to beg for my forgiveness, because I’ll never ever try to forgive. Never until forever.

In Silence,

Starting to sigh

                        Reading the poem

                                    That starts breaking my heart

Weeping,

            Gently crying

                        With the love birds singing

                                    My heart stops beating

Solemn,

            Reading your poem

                        Again and all over again

                                    Gently feeling the pain

Sounds of music,

            Keeping me so sick

                        So depress and anxious

                                    However, I cannot stop on reading

Inside voice,

            Shouting, screaming, begging

                        For you to stop writing that poem

                                    Yet, no crying voice can be heard

Wishing I was she,

            The women you long to see

                        Longing for that diamond ring

                                    That you gave to your Hylanie

Numb by the coldness that

            I always hear

Nocturnal by the silence that

            I always feel

Awake by the aroma of coffee that

            I always see

Yet feeling sleepy by the romantic light that

            I always smell

Trembling fingers, shivering hands, shuddering body

Somebody’s here beside me in the awkwardness of this night

Someone’s holding my hand

My body’s freezing like an ice

My hands bleeding without a wound

My body has a blood that is not mine…

Slowly falling on the ground

I noticed that my tears are falling down,

Falling slowly on my cheek

And then the color of blood appear unexpectedly

On this tears of curiousness and anxiety

I’m trembling much faster

I’m crying out louder

I’m screaming as I can

However, voices of mine aren’t there

Somebody’s holding my hands

Touching and playing my hair

Hugging me so tightly.

I noticed his bloody cold body

I saw him excruciated

That was all mean by me

My fear is slow fading away

But I’m crying much louder

My heart is slowly breaking

Because I see him in pain

He is looking at me

And then he’s hugging me again

Showing how much he loves me

Finally, he utter a word with caress

“This is for you honey,

I died for you my sweetie”

Rest…

My dear self,

Rest…

Take a deep breath,

Sigh…

Then cry…

Forget everything,

Slowly…

Because everything will be alright,

For soon you’ll die…

I look at him with this eyes of longing from this strange planet of undeniable pain. I have no guts to talk... none at all. Just stare, desperately yearning for his voice.

He broke up with me for some reasonable facts. He doesn’t want to do so but he’s being hurt. He cried hard, he suffered. He is excruciated by my negligence. Yet after he broke up with me, the pain on him comes much deeper and then he asked, “Why you took me for granted?... I said to myself that you’ll surely notice me if I walk away and broke with you. Yet, I am wrong… I expected our break up to be the most tragic thing that will happen into your life. But it wasn’t… you never shed tears… and now you will soon fade away.” But he never knows… I burst out in tears because all of my life I learned how to suffer in silence.

In the place of agony, he comes up to cheer me.

In the presence of my enemies, he comes just to protect me.

In the deepest secret of my anxiety, he knows how to comfort me.

However, he only comes to love me.

Never to be commited, never to hurt his past love yet present commitment.

On the other hand, after the love he had shown me,

he hurts me twice as much as his sweetest deeds.

Nevertheless, I do understand.

I'm enough to be his mistress...

and that is just alright...

the pleasure is still mine.

Numb by the coldness

         I always hear...

Nocturnal by the silence

         I always feel...

Awake by the aroma of coffee

         I always see...

Yet feeling sleepy by the romantic light that

         I always smell...

                                                   _My Inspiration at Starbucks_

There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frog and the frog becomes a prince. In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frog.

_By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept_

_Paulo Coelho_

I don't really know what's the real meaning of this phrase, yet I find it so ammusing. It is as if has an impact on me. It therefore let me conclude, fairy tales are just fictions and happy endings are also fiction. Reality is what we should always believe on. We should believe reality is worst.. every good things turns out to be worst. That is... this reality is so cruel... if we believe on fairy tales our life will be such a trash... waiting and assuming for something that won't really happen... happy endings is only in our dream...

I live in the agony of losing someone... knowing that 'someone' promised to wait forever... But at the end, he himself had said "life is transitory, forever is a lie." I have not shown him I cried. But the more I tried to hide this feeling. The deeper my wounded heart is searing.

How I wish I could be a schizophrenic one day. Building my own wonderful world: not following society’s depressing requirements; violating morals and law; do the wildest thing I could do; yet nobody will blame me for my stupidity rather will understand and comfort me.